Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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