too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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