Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
