she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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