I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
