smell my finger.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
