Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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