Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
