Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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