After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
