just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
