why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
