Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
