Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
