Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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