My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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