Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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