I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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