dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
