i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
