I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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