I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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