I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
please don't ironically join a cult
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