thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
