FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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