I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
