I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
