I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
