The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
