I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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