Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
