Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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