Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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