Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
