Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
