Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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