what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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