im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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