Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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