I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
