I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
