Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
