So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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