He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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