if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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