apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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