I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Randomize
