when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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