I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
