My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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