So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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