I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
