Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
