i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
