i just sent this text using only my big toe
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
