I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
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I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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