honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
